The Chronicles of Sigh started out as writing practice and ended up becoming a sort-of story. Flashes of this woman’s life, put together, made this story one of my favorites. It’s actually one that to this day leaves me debating whether or not to rewrite it. This was also one of the last pieces that I wrote before life overwhelmed me and I stopped writing altogether (much to the dismay of my readers back then. Let’s just say the ending of this story made them wonder if this were a true story and the at-the-time unknown author had committed the unthinkable)
The Chronicles of Sigh
Part I Sigh
Sometimes she liked to sit back and just relax in her swing. It was an old swing that creaked rhythmically as she rocked back and forth in it. Made of wood, by her own hands; she had built it years ago specifically for her back porch. Oftentimes she would just look at it and smile. Remembering how many times she threw her tools to the ground in anger and cursed at the scattered pieces of wood that just didn’t seem to want to fit together. After a few days she had finally finished it and hung it up on her porch with pride. Once it was up, what seemed her enemy quickly became her best friend.
Yeah, she loved that swing.
She never painted it. Painting it would have hidden all of the scratch marks, all of the holes and all of the imperfections that she thought brought character to it. She decided she loved it just the way it was. She even had a name for it. Sigh. Simply because it was the first thing she did when she sat down in it for the first time.
She spent many-a-night sitting in Sigh. Looking up into the stars on clear summer nights. Thinking, wondering, and sometimes even singing to herself. Oftentimes she would talk to Sigh. After a short while, she had given Sigh his own personality.
It seemed as if he was her only friend. He never told her she was silly, or that her thoughts didn’t count. He never gave her “that look”. He never told her she was ugly. He never told her she was fat. He never argued, or ignored her. He never did anything but listen sympathetically with open ears. What else could a swing do? But she loved it all the more for it’s simplicity.
She loved talking with Sigh. But tonight seemed an exception. After a long silence Sigh noticed she was too quiet and asked her, “What’s on your mind?”
She smiled, glad for Sigh’s comfort and replied, “I’ve met someone.”
Part II Visions of Her Love
She watched him as he slept. She could see his chest rise and fall with each deep breath. He was lying on his back, one hand on her thigh, the other on his stomach. She watched as his eyes moved back and forth under his eyelids and she wondered what he was dreaming about.
Propped up on her elbow, she lay on her side, watching him. Just staring. She put her hand on his chest and tickled a few of his hairs, just to see if he would wake up. When he didn’t she tickled his mustache. He never moved an inch. He lay there oblivious to her inspection, as thousands of thoughts raced through her mind.
She took a deep breath as she closed her eyes. When she opened them, she saw her love. Her heart jumped as she stared wide-eyed and unbelieving. She started to sweat. She lifted her head from her hand as she finally let out the breath she had been holding.
She was seeing him. Staring at him. She knew it wasn’t real, but she didn’t want the vision to go away. She was afraid to blink again for fear of loosing him.
His blonde hair was a mess. Some of it lay across his forehead just how she always liked it. His sweet face was just inches from hers.
She slowly moved her free hand to his shoulder and traced her fingers down to his chest. It was smooth, hairless, and soft. She stared at him. Every perfection, every flaw, everything about him……she loved. She wanted to hold him. Wanted to wake him and ask him to hold her. But she knew she couldn’t. She was afraid if he awoke, she would lose this precious dream and never find it again.
She lightly touched one finger to his cheek. It slowly made its way to his mouth. She could feel his lips. The mustache was gone. She took her finger from his lips and kissed it. Then laid it once again, softly on his own.
There were so many things she wanted to tell him. So many things she wanted to say. So many things she wanted to hear. But she knew this was just a dream. It was just a vision that would soon go away. She felt her heart break. It seemed to break a lot for him. This time was no exception.
Knowing she would soon lose this moment, she let her nose touch his in an Eskimo kiss. She looked at him sleeping so peacefully and then closed her eyes. Finally, she brought her lips to his. She lightly put her hand on his cheek as she let all her emotion, all her passion, all her energy into that kiss. She let her heart call out to him as she did so, hoping that through the distance, his would hear.
When she opened her eyes, he was gone. Again she watched as this man lay next to her. He seemed almost a stranger. She stared at him again, rejoicing in the moment her imagination had let her have with her love.
She suddenly felt uncomfortable. She quietly snuck out of bed, got dressed, and went outside on the back porch. There she saw Sigh waiting for her. He smiled as she sat down. “I don’t really feel like talking tonight Sigh,” she whispered. He nodded his understanding and she was left alone with nothing but her thoughts and the moonlight. Sigh’s soft swaying and creaking was comforting and she finally drifted to sleep.
Part III A Good Friend
She was laying in Sigh. She had one arm crooked behind her head and one foot on the ground, rocking them both back and forth. She listened to his rhythmic creaking as she stared up into the sky.
She sun was slowly setting, but she couldn’t see it beyond the distant trees. The only thing she could see was the glow of the sun’s rays on the few clouds that speckled the pinkish sky. She watched the birds overhead and sighed. He smiled, “So what’s on your mind?”
She grinned. She thought a second before speaking. How could she tell him how she felt? How can she explain the joy that he always brought her? How could she express her feelings and expect him to understand? She loved Sigh for his simplicity. He would understand. She knew he would. He always did.
“I’m just thinking about him again,” she said softly. “It’s hard to explain just how he makes me feel, you know?”
“Well…..it doesn’t matter what I say, he always listens….or at least he makes me feel as if he’s listening. He makes me feel important, like I’m SOMEBODY, you know? But those are all just selfish reasons. It’s not really how he makes ME feel…it’s just….HIM. You know? He has this personality like non other I’ve ever seen. Every word that comes out of his mouth is precious to me. He is the sweetest man I know. He has a GREAT sense of humor. He always makes me laugh. We can talk for HOURS and not even realize it. We have so much in common! Sometimes I feel like I’ve known him for YEARS! Other times I feel as if he’s hiding something from me. I just……I don’t know why….but…I’ve never cared for any one else like I do him.”
Sigh smiled. She sighed. With a snicker she said, “You know….he called me today.”
She laughed at his sarcasm, “Yes, he did. I didn’t think he would. I thought he had actually forgotten about me, you know? You have no idea how it makes me feel that I was on his mind….even if for a brief second….but he thought enough about me that he decided to call me.”
“So what did you say to him?”
She chuckled, “Not what I WANTED to that’s for sure! I can never tell him what I really want to say.” She sat up and crossed her legs indian-style with her head against Sigh’s chain. It was cold against her cheek and it felt good. She closed her eyes and pictured him, “We talked for a little while. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what to say. All I want is to just hear his voice. Like if I can keep him on the phone a little while longer, I’ll finally say what’s on my mind.”
She looked up into the sky again. It was getting darker and the sky was no longer pinkish, but now a dark blueish-purple. She marveled at how simple life seemed sometimes, and at how people can make it so complicated.
”Sigh, you’re great you know that?”
He grinned, “Yeah, I know. You made me! What do you expect?!”
She laughed. “I love you, Sigh. You are my best friend. It doesn’t matter how stupid I sound to myself sometimes, you are always there to listen.”
“I love you too, my dear. You NEVER sound stupid to me.”
She uncrossed her legs and stood up. Her hand still on Sigh’s chain she said, “Thanks for the talk, Sigh. I needed it.”
“You’re welcome. I look forward to tomorrow night.”
“As do I. Good night, Sigh.”
“Good night, my dear.”
Part IV Why
“Why do you love me?”
His question both surprised and angered her. She turned and looked at him wide-eyed with her mouth open. His stare penetrated her heart and she finally looked down. She knew that this time, he was serious.
Her anger came forth first. Still looking down, she nervously picked at her fingernail, “Sometimes I wonder that myself.” When he didn’t say anything she continued, “I don’t honestly know sometimes. It’s like I can go all day without talking to you or seeing you and it makes no difference to me.”
She paused and tore at the nail she had been fidgeting with. She could feel his gaze upon her. She didn’t look at him, but let her anger subside. She stopped fighting with her nail and looked up into his eyes. “Babe, I love you. I know I do.”
His forehead wrinkled as he raised his eyes, “But why? I want to know.”
She let out a frustrated sigh and looked back down at the ground. “You make me feel comfortable. I mean, you’re the only person I can be myself around and not have to worry. I’m just….comfortable with you. Or…I was. I guess it’s kind of when you’ve been with someone for so long, that there’s nothing else bad about you that they haven’t already seen. You’ve already seen every ounce of fat on my body, you’ve seen me furiously mad, and you’ve seen me giddy with happiness. There’s not much you haven’t seen about me. So….I’m comfortable around you.”
He raised one eyebrow, “That’s it?”
She looked down once again, “I think so. You’re a good person. You are caring, and kind, and you treat me good…..sometimes.” She looked up to see his reaction to her dry humor, but when he didn’t laugh she continued, “I just….I don’t think we have anything in common. We are complete opposites. Sometimes I think you get sick of me when I want to do the things I love to do, and sometimes, I think I get frustrated with you as well. We’ve had some whoppers of arguments and we’ve always seemed to make up. But I wonder if it’s because we actually love each other, or because of something else.”
She paused for a long time. Hoping he would say something. She hated it when he listened so intently and gave her plenty of time to think about what she had to say. It just made her say more than she always wanted.
“I think we got together for all the wrong reasons. I know we did. I’d like to think that we stay together for all the right reasons…..but sometimes I’m not sure. Sometimes I think that we stay together because we are too afraid of being alone. I doubt myself way too much sometimes.”
“You’re too hard on yourself,” he said lovingly.
“Yeah, I know.”
“I love you.” She could hear the question in his voice. Like he was asking her if she loved him too.
She closed her eyes and mumbled, “Sometimes I wish you didn’t.”
She felt the coolness of a raindrop on her face. It woke her from her dozing. She found herself laying in Sigh once again. Her arm was stiff from resting behind her head and she could feel the imprint of the slats of wood on her back. She moaned as she sat herself upright and put her feet on the ground. She rubbed her stiff neck with one hand and put the other on Sigh’s cold chain. She watched the grey sky as the rain started coming down harder. The cool splashes felt good on her face.
Sigh smiled, “Did you enjoy your nap?”
She recalled her somber dream, “Surprisingly, no. Not this time, Sigh.” She felt his disappointment and explained, “Just a bad dream is all.”
She added sarcastically, “Don’t take it personally, Sigh. You know I love you.”
He smiled once more, “I love you too. Now get inside before you get soaked.”
Part V Scattered Emotions
She sat at her desk. With a pencil in one hand and her head in another. Her eyes were closed as she struggled to make sense of all of the emotions that were overpowering her.
She had decided to try to write away her worries. Besides talking to Sigh, it seemed to be the only thing that helped relieve her of the weight of the world which seemed to sit so heavily upon her shoulders.
Her eyes slowly opened and she stared at the blank piece of paper. She decided to focus on one emotion. She sat upright in her chair and put the pencil to the paper. She let her emotions flow out and onto it. She was never good at poetry, but tonight she wanted to try.
She stopped writing as tears came to her eyes. They hung on the bottom of her eyelids as she read and re-read what she had written. Finally, one fell. She set the pencil on the paper and pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes. She angrily rubbed at the tears that were there. She didn’t like to cry. It wasn’t something she did often.
She grabbed the paper, ripped it from her notebook and crumpled it up. She held it tightly in her fist for a second, trying to get a grip on her emotions. She felt so angry but she didn’t know quite why. She was torn between reality and her desires. It seemed as if everything was surreal to her right now. She was in her own little world fighting the battles that were raging in her heart.
Her knees felt weak. She knew she needed to talk to someone. She finally let go of her grip on the paper and it fell to the floor. She walked outside into the cool breeze and saw Sigh waiting for her. Good ‘ol Sigh she thought. For the first time that day she smiled as she sat down in him and began to rock herself.
She rubbed the smooth wood on Sigh’s seat and fought back her tears. She looked out over the trees and listened to the sounds of the night. The stars were out and she listened to a few tree frogs noisily croaking in the nearby pond.
She felt at peace out here on her porch. It was always so quiet. It seemed to be the only place where she could forget about all of her worries and just let her mind rest a while.
Sigh had been silent the entire time; he could tell that she didn’t feel like talking much. She leaned her head against his back and closed her eyes. She let the dizziness of her own swinging relax her. She finally took a deep breath and gave a weary smile. “Sigh….if you were a man, I would marry you.”
Sigh just simply smiled.
Part VI Confessions
The two women were sitting on opposite ends of Sigh. Each was leaning against his chains and each with one leg propped up on Sigh’s seat. Their knees touched as they looked at each other with smiles.
“It’s just so hard to explain!”
“Try me….I’ve known you forever….trust me….I’ll understand.”
Her face blushed. She looked down at the ground, “Jazz, I am so completely in love with him.”
Jazz gave a questioning look, “But…what about….”
She interrupted, “Yes! I know! But….” She gave a frustrated sigh, “It’s hard to ignore this.”
Jazz scolded, “You can’t ignore him either!”
She threw up her arms in frustration, “I know that! What do you think my problem is?!”
Jazz put her hand on her friend’s knee, “Sweetie, I love you….you are my best friend. I know you have a lot on your mind…..tell me.”
She sighed and relaxed a little. Jasmine had been her friend since grade school. She knew she could tell her anything and Jazz would never scoff at her. She decided to let her guard down a little. She took a deep breath and looked out at the distant trees, “Well, we started out as friends. We have so much in common….” She smiled in remembrance, “We joke all the time about being twins. Like God carved us from the same brick of clay and separated us to watch us find each other.” Jasmine smiled at this.
She stared down at Jasmine’s leg and brought her hand to the back of her neck to nervously rub it, “He does know about Mike. Sometimes I wish he didn’t though. We’ve agreed to just be friends.” She closed her eyes and chuckled, “Extremely close friends, I guess! We still tell each other ‘I love you’. Of course, we’re supposed to mean it in a friendly way!” She paused for a second, looking back up at Jazz, then added, “But I’m sure he knows that every time I tell him I love him…I certainly don’t mean it as a friend.”
Jazz gave an encouraging smile. She felt her heart breaking simply by talking about him. She wanted to cry but fought the urge. There was no way to express just how she truly felt. She felt so helpless and torn. Jazz could see the sadness in her friend’s eyes; she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around her in an embrace.
Her face against Jazz’s shoulder, she felt the battle in her heart raging and choked back the tears. Her voice cracked, “Jazz, what do I do? How can I stop loving him?”
Jazz pulled away and put her hands on her friend’s shoulders. “Honey, I can’t answer that. I can’t tell you what to do. It’s something you have to figure out on your own. What about him? How does he feel about you?”
She gave a loud groan and rolled her eyes as Jazz let her hands drop to her lap. She closed her eyes, preparing for Jazz’s reaction, “I don’t know.” She opened one eye and saw Jazz’s confused face. She continued, “See, at first….I was under the impression that he was starting to feel the same as me. But….I made the mistake of telling him how I truly feel and asking him if I ever had a chance with him.”
“What did he say?”
Her face relaxed and she looked off into the distance, “Well….he first apologized for having ‘lead me on’. Then he told me that I didn’t have a chance. That he only saw me as a good friend and nothing more.”
“Why do I get the feeling that’s not how you think he feels now?”
“Because I don’t think that’s how he feels. It’s the little things, you know? It’s how he tells me he loves me. It’s how he talks to me. How he shares intimate details with me. I believe that if given the right circumstances……he would feel the same for me as I do for him.” She looked back at Jazz, “Actually…I almost wonder if he doesn’t already feel that way towards me. Somewhere deep in my heart, I know he does. But I’m so afraid that it’s true.”
She looked Jazz dead in the eye. She wanted to make sure that her friend understood what she was about to say. “Because I think if he ever told me the truth….I would drop everything for him. I would leave everything that I know and love, just to be with him. I love him that much.”
Part VII On Her Own
“Are you ready?”
She nodded, “I am. I’ve got everything I need. I’m only leaving with one suitcase and my laptop. My computer bag has my laptop and all the connection wires, including my digital camera and its connections. I even found room to stick my travel printer in there, now that was a tight squeeze.” She patted her suitcase which was sitting next to her on the bed. “In here I’ve got about a month’s worth of clothes. That’s all I could fit and I think that’s all I’m going to need. Anything more than that is just overkill, and I’ll just have to find a cheap laundromat to wash it all. In the side pocket is my travel size shampoo and conditioner with all my other bathroom items. I’m sure they won’t last long, but I have the cash to purchase more when I’ll need it.”
Mike was standing in front of her while she was sitting on the bed. She looked up at him with a heavy sigh.
He smiled and shook his head, “That’s not exactly what I meant, but I guess it’s good to know that you’re prepared in that arena too.”
She looked surprised, “Oh. Well then what did you mean?”
He crossed his arms in front of him, “I meant do you have all the information you need? Do you have your ticket? Do you have your map? Do you have your city guide?”
She rolled her eyes and laughed, “Of course I do!” She held up her plane ticket which had been laying on the bed. “Here’s the plane ticket. It leaves tonight at six-pm, flight three-oh-five to New York on U.S. Airways.” She pulled out some papers from her computer bag, “Here’s my map of New York.” She unfolded it and pointed, “This side is the key map, and the other is just general locations.” She folded it back up and pulled out a stack of papers. “These are what I Googled. This shows me all the going-on’s of New York. I even managed to get a schedule of the subways and local buses.” She held up a small magazine, “This is what I had sent to me via mail. It’s all the local apartments in the area. Categorized by type, size, number of rooms, and of course….price!” She gathered all her papers and stuck them back in her bag. Proudly, she looked at him and said, “I don’t think I could ever be more ready than I am now.” She put on a false smile for him and looked at her two measly bags. She felt the weight of them even as they sat on her bed.
She stood up and grabbed her computer bag. He took her suitcase and carried it outside where the taxi was waiting to take her to the airport. She put her bags in the trunk of the yellow car and looked at him.
She hated this. She hated leaving him. She hated leaving everything they had built together. She knew she would miss him. She knew she would miss their life together. She knew she would miss Sigh as well. But most of all, she was scared. This was the first time she would ever be out on her own. She didn’t even have an apartment or a job waiting for her. She felt as if she was running away. She stood up tall. At least she was prepared. Nothing could surprise her out there. Sure it was a new city and new environment. Sure she didn’t have the first clue as to the workings of the big city, but she had all the information at her fingertips. This should be easy. She had confidence in herself that she could make it on her own.
He gave her a hug and kiss goodbye and she got in the car. She waved as she watched her life slipping away from her. Everything she ever knew. Everything she ever owned. Everything she ever loved was slowly fading away into the horizon. She had half a mind to tell the taxi driver to turn around, but she knew that was just the coward’s way out. She finally turned around in her seat and watched as life rushed towards her. She could do this. She knew she could. She kept telling herself that she knew she would make it.
It didn’t help her knees from knocking any less.
Part VIII The Flight
“With this ring, I thee wed.” Mike looked into her eyes as he slid the ring onto her finger.“With this ring, I thee wed.” Her voice was cracked. This was the happiest day of her life. With tears in her eyes she looked at him as she slid the ring on his finger. He smiled at her as the pastor announced, “You may now kiss the bride.”
Mike wrapped his arms around her waist and drew her close. “I love you,” he whispered. He brought his face close to hers and her heart leapt as they shared their first kiss as husband and wife.
He was chasing her around the house. She screamed as he came close enough to just barely touch her shirt. She leaped into the bedroom and slammed the door.His voice was on the other side, mocking. “I know you’re in theerrreee. I can hear you breathing.”
She laughed as she pushed her back up against the door. He wasn’t forcing his way in yet, but she was prepared. Again she heard his voice, “Little pig, little pig, let me in.”
She squealed, “Not by the hair on your chinny chin chin!”
He lightly tapped on the door, starting at the top and making his way down to where he knew her head was leaning against it.
She laughed as she dove on the bed. He heard her voice get further away and barged in. He jumped into the room with both arms open wide in the air and with wild eyes cried, “Here’s JOHNNY!”
She screamed in laughter and threw the covers over her head.
He had his arm around her. They were snuggled on the couch watching a movie. It was a chick-flick that she had wanted to see for a long time. She had finally convinced him to sit down and watch it with her, but not without much moaning and groaning. She had laughed and made the normal threat. No movie equals no sex. His eyes got wide at the thought and he made a high-pitched wince. He always gave her the puppy-dog face when she made that threat. Which constantly made her give him a sad face in return.
But this time she won that particular fight. And he had reluctantly agreed to watch the movie with her. He ended up liking it. As he held her close he kissed the top of her head. He had her hand in his, resting on his thigh and they never moved throughout the entire movie. When it was over she looked up at him and smiled. “See? It wasn’t that bad was it?”
He quickly put his hands to his neck and made a loud choking sound. A gurgling noise came from his throat and he dropped his head to the side with his tongue stuck out.
She burst out in laughter and playfully shoved his arm.
They were laying in bed with her head on his chest. She could hear his heart beating steadily as he breathed deeply. The ran her hands through his chest hair. She loved the way it went in all different directions. Going up towards his neck at the top and finally smoothing down between his pecs, then wildly sticking up in circles around his nipples. She traced her finger down the trail of hair leading to his belly button.
He lightly laughed at her fingers tickling his stomach. She arched her head back to look him in the eyes. They sparkled and danced as he smiled at her.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
She woke to the loud hum of the plane. The woman sitting next to her was fast asleep. Glad for having chosen a window seat, she looked out to the ground below. It was a mix-match of fields and houses. She thought it looked like a giant patchwork quilt.
With a tear, she recalled her dream. For the thousandth time, she felt her heart being shattered to a million pieces. She felt them each, one by one, as the pieces broke and fell into her gut. She felt she was going to be sick. She lied to herself passing it off as simple air sickness. She wouldn’t do this to herself. She promised herself she could do this.
Never before had she missed Sigh as much as she did now.
Part IX Alone
Again she sat down to write.
It was cold in her hotel room. Having only been in the room long enough to set her suitcase on the bed and call Mike, she wrapped herself up in a blanket and sat down on the soft, red chair to write once more.
She knew she wasn’t the best at writing, but it helped her now and again, and this time was definitely a “now” time.
She was scared. No, scared wasn’t the word. She was downright terrified. Her belly had been knotted up for the past 5 hours. She had fought against her stomach on the plane, but eventually it reined champion. She ended up rushing to the bathroom, thankful that no one was occupying it, as she dumped that afternoon’s lunch down the toilet.
When she arrived in New York she already had a rental car waiting for her, and a reservation at the nearest Extended Stay Inn. She made her way up two flights of stairs and down the long, shadowy corridor to her room. Room 219. She pushed open the door and looked into the empty space. Home sweet home, she thought to herself, at least temporarily. It was nice as it had a miniature built-in kitchen as well as a couch that faced the TV. The bed was only a full size, but she wasn’t expecting company. All in all, it was pretty respectable.
She stared at the piece of paper she had pulled out of her computer bag. Her mind reeled with only one thought as her stomach churned with the complimentary peanuts she had forced herself to swallow on the plane. Finally the pen touched the paper:
I’ve only been gone for one day and it already seems like an eternity. My heart breaks knowing that I might never speak to you again. To hear one last whisper from your mouth. One last word, one last look upon your face, one last momentary glance upon you as you turn your back upon the woman who loves you so. My soul is torn as I can feel the other half of me slipping further and further away. As I leave I wonder if you will ever think of me. Will I ever cross you mind? Will a special memory of me flutter across your eyes as you are out there in the cold, cold world, looking out at the horizon? Will a word, or a smell, or even a small smile bring forth memories of our times together.
Oh how for our precious times together. How I miss them so. Talking for hours into the night. As I stare out my bedroom window as the moon slowly rises and then falls and with the breaking dawn we finally part and say ado. Will you miss our special times together, my love? Will you miss me while I’m gone? Or will I ever be forgotten, just another dead memory in your ocean of dreams?
How I wish you could know just how you have touched my heart. I wonder if I have touched yours in same manner. Have I made you discover yourself the way you have made me? Have I made you realize that life is precious and that every moment spent with someone you love is to be treasured until the end of time….as you have me? Have I made you realize that you can be loved? That you are worth loving….as you have me?
I only hope and pray that the day will come when you can look upon my face and see what I truly am. But wait……I believe you already have. For you have seen me as no other. You have loved me as no other. You have made me feel as no other. And you have treated me……as no other. And for that I will always be grateful. For you have touched my heart, and I can only pray that I have touched yours. I will miss you. Will you miss me?
Re-reading her words, she questioned her actions. She had abandoned both worlds. The one she knew and loved. The one she had created from scratch and had nurtured, and toiled and struggled to keep alive. But also the world she dreamed of. The world where the only person she had ever loved was waiting for her. She had left them both. She couldn’t decide which absence made her heart break more. All she knew for sure was that she was alone. Utterly. Alone.
Part X I Promise
She could feel the wind blowing in her hair. It was a soft breeze that made her want to stretch out her arms and lose herself within it.
She was standing on her balcony looking out into the distance. While her body was on the physical plane, her mind was elsewhere. She shut her eyes tight against the pain. Against the hurt. Against the anger. Against the sorrow. For the past six months she had been trying to shut out this pain. But tonight, in her lonely hotel room, it finally came rushing at her full force.
The hurricane of emotion wrecking its havoc on what once was her strong soul. It tore at her mind and heart, slashing them both to shreds and leaving no dark corner untouched. The memories of what seemed like a thousand lifetimes whirled around her. She searched for the calm within the storm but found none. She was lost in her anguish.
”There’s no chance…..I’m sorry.”
“I can’t handle this…I’m not a strong enough man.”
“Its life threatening…..there’s nothing we can do.”
“I hate to leave you alone like this….”
“You will both die…unless something can be done…”
“Please know that I love you….”
“But it’s too advanced right now….”
“Please forgive me….”
“It’s beyond our capabilities….”
“I just…..can’t do this…”
She let out a loud cry. Her voice bounced back against the wind which had grown stronger. As the storm grew in her heart, the wind around her picked up speed. The clouds outside became as dark as those inside her, but she was oblivious. She kept her eyes shut as she fought against herself. It started to rain but she kept standing with her eyes shut tight.
There’s nothing they can do, she thought, nothing.
Tears were rapidly flowing down her cheeks in spite of herself. She finally opened her eyes and looked out at the darkening sky through a watery blur. What she saw seemed no different with her eyes open then when they were closed.
I’m going to die. We’re both going to die.
She looked at the ground below her. Too close. Ten feet wouldn’t do it.
Then she spotted something. Her balcony overlooked the outdoor pool, which was enclosed by a large black security gate. She studied it carefully, watching how the top of the gate slowly curved up to an over-exaggerated point and then back down. She questioned her aim.
Slowly, she pulled herself up to a standing position on the top rail of her balcony. Keenly focused on the gate below her she hardly noticed the intensity in which the storm was building.
“Will you still love me?”
“Nothing we can do…”
“Please forgive me….”
“It’s beyond our capabilities….”
“I’m just not strong enough….”
She balanced herself carefully. She put her hand gently on her stomach and looked down at it.
“Will you tell him?”
“No, how could I?”
“Nothing we can do…”
“But you love him….”
“What if he says exactly what Mike did?”
“Nothing we can do…”
“I can’t stand to have my heart broken like that again…”
“Nothing we can do…”
“No, I won’t tell him. My love. I won’t.”
“You will both die…”
She let the tears flow as she looked back up at the sky. Her arms slowly stretched out. She closed her eyes and let herself get caught up in the wind.
“Mike how could you say that?”
“I’m just not strong enough….”
“You will both die…”
She opened her eyes once more to look upon the last thing that would ever touch her. It looked inviting. Like it was expecting her. Wanting her as much as she wanted it.
“I know this doctor…”
Her heart stopped.
“He’s in New York….”
She looked back up at the sky.
“He might be able to help….”
She glanced down at her stomach.
“He might be able to save both of you…..”
She wailed in anguish into the wind and quickly lowered herself back down. Her heart was beating wildly in her chest as she walked back inside her room and collapsed on her bed. She was drained. Emotionally and physically.
She looked down as she slowly brought her hand back up to her stomach once more and rubbed it.
“I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I won’t give up on us. I promise.”